life was better when i couldn't eat food.
or at least parts of it were a bit more simple. less complicated. mindless.
now, after undergoing a third procedure to fix my troubled esophagus and getting exactly what i want; namely the ability to once again consume solid nutrients after nearly a two year absence, my world is in chaos.
i am cured. but i am also fat, bloated and lethargic. stressed out. sleep deprived. unfulfilled.
i do not know how the two coincided so perfectly. how i slowly drifted away from shore, pulled out to the cold, unfathomable depths.
but i am here now. and i am drowning.
• • •
i've grated on the nerves of at least three family units in the last couple years with the unsettling roar of an industrial blender. it is the first thing they hear in the morning and most likely the last noise of consequence they hear before they turn in for the nite.
it is my kitchen. my prep area. my wet bar. my solitary tool for nourishment.
you know that question people ask about your house being on fire and only being able to save three things? my kitchenaid 5000 with pulse control is one of them.
to say i am addicted to blenders and protein shakes is a lie. i am not addicted. they are my life. they provide me life. in a consistently stale variety of frothy semiliquid.
• • •
when i could swallow no more, i became quite adept at pulverizing nutrient rich foods into sloshy meals. along with various protein powders, spinach, apples, pumpkin, berries and bananas made up virtually my entire food pyramid. I would consume three to five of these frosty drinks a day, and the results were striking.
though i had taken an extended hiatus from any real physical activity, i became quite lean. almost gaunt. i looked like a highly trained endurance athlete though i hadn't run in months.
all the nutrients did wonders for my skin and hair as well. i was blemish free, with thick lustrous locks, and polished nailbeds.
i could fit into every piece of clothing i ever owned. and even had to buy updated skinny jeans. for someone who once came close to three hundred pounds, it was nirvana.
to not workout and be so small was the secret life i imagined everyone else lived. and for a while, i was part of the class; that elite group who never worried about how they looked, because above all else, i was not fat. everything aside from that was trivial.
• • •
the good news:
you never have to worry about what to eat.
you will look amazing.
the bad news:
you will suffer in the winter.
you will panic when the blender breaks.
you will miss taking your girlfriend out to dinner.
you will lose your soul.
you will eventually go crazy.
• • •
it started with applesauce. then oatmeal. and then refried beans; anything soft and mushy that i could swallow without the potential of obstruction. after lying relatively dormant, i had to re-educate the muscles of my esophagus. and it was weird. and uncomfortable. some days better than others.
eventually i worked my way up to energy bars. and that's when the trouble began. because even if it took me a quart of water and thirty minutes to consume a single protein bar, that meant cookies and cake and pie were not far behind. and they weren't.
the junk food came hard and fast, as did a newfound addiction to chocolate and the subsequent extra pounds. at first i just filled out into a normal looking person. and then a normal person with some extra weight. since then, every time i step on the scale, i am stunned. amazed at the trajectory of my personal weight chart.
I have a friend who visits from new york every once in a while. she is one of the nicest people i know. each time she sees me she asks: have you put on some weight? and each time she is right.
i don't even recognize me anymore.
• • •
change is good. but when it comes all at once, it can be overwhelming. my personal, professional and emotional life have all spun out of control.
more often than not, i lay in bed at nite, dizzy from the burden. the responsibility. the failure.
grieving for the loss of me in my own world.
i know he's out there somewhere.
treading wearily thru heavy water.
i will find him.
i will rescue him.
i will bring him to shore.
