i haven't been the same since therapy.
since the day i made an appointment to unload all the things that had congested my mental and emotional state; revealing myself in a way that i have never been able to with family, friends, or partners.
odd how the anonymity is liberating. you would think the people you know and love the most would serve as a natural release, through some spiritual osmotic kinship. but that doesn't seem to be the way it works for me.
i had to hire a professional.
but there, on the couch, in a simple office on the seventh floor, i felt safe. i could express those thoughts and feelings, say those things that kept me up at nite, and have someone there whose only job was to listen and help.
and for that, my therapy was more than therapeutic. it was that dark room where i could scream; a place to be ugly and honest that i could exit from an hour later, and feel a little less loaded.
after each session, during the elevator ride back down to terra firma, i always felt like i was descending back into myself, leaving parts of me behind that could look out the office window, but never escape.
• • •
selfish as i am, i did not seek out a therapist for me. it was for something far greater; it was for us.
during the course of our treatment, which sometimes involves personal sessions and other times couples counseling, i learn that i am the great void.
as strongly as i feel about things, i lack the ability to verbally express myself emotionally in a way my partner can understand.
i can communicate well about lots of things.
just don't ask me how i feel.
• • •
in all my years of life, i have only seen my father's eyes well up with tears three times.
my mother, by contrast, seems to break down every time i talk to her on the phone.
i am the creation of this collision.
a stoic emotional wreck.
• • •
things work out. we get thru some rough spots. and i at least become more aware of the challenges my existence can create.
it takes time, but i try to be more open. even more open than i already thought i was. and not just with her, but with everything.
it is an uncomfortable role for me. but it is good to share this new dimension.
i always thought of it as weakness to expose yourself emotionally, to tap into that feminine dynamic. but in the end, i realize it's exactly the opposite.
through it all, she has been completely fearless, and i have been the coward.
• • •
it is far too easy to come across a bit of insight and think that the revelation is the cure.
but it is not.
it's just a sign that you've been lost. way off course.
you still have to find your way home.
• • •
this new part of me is still growing. and like a regenerating nerve, there are times when it sits idle and numb, and others where it fires off beyond my control.
last week at work, i hear a radio interview with a veterinarian describing the connection between dogs and their owners; and what it's like to ultimately have to put an animal down.
she describes the process in an incredibly heartfelt way, and with every word, i am transfixed and feel a little piece of my self breaking apart and falling away; leaving me completely raw.
and though it may have been years ago, i remember the day my partner and i had to do the very thing we did not want to do. physically i am at work, amidst the daily commotion. but inside, i am there, in that moment, and it is terribly sad.
a few days later, i come across a hauntingly slow acoustic number i've always liked. this time, the whispery lyrics sting me:
oh my god
i nearly died
when i saw you in that dress
i felt alive for the first time
since i left home
i play the song again and again, reminiscing in those words. every thought and feeling and emotion so vivid i can feel my nose buzz with warmth, the way it does just before my eyes tear up. i have to sit there for a moment and let it all go before i move on.
• • •
before the day i sat on that couch, i don't know if i could connect a song or picture or story to such a strong emotional response.
but now i find that depth in everything around me; randomly flipping on or off when i least expect it.
all the parts are there, but there are still flaws in the circuitry. still ghosts in the machine.
